LochNess is a Squid in Bottom Tier Raid Armor
by sahdah
Summary: Renesmee tired of her frozen existence decides to branch out to social media in the form of motovlogging much to her father's dismay.


It started with the 50cc Jacob brought over the day after the Volturi left Forks.

"What?" he said, shrugging those massive shoulders. "They're gone - Ness deserves to be a kid."

Had he known then the deep water repercussions that single act would have, Edward wouldn't have allowed such a thing. But even one hundred seven years couldn't have prepared him for what came next.

* * *

Ness thumbs through her feed, resolutely ignoring her ageless father. As if he'd ever understand her need to connect to a world beyond her reach. Her entire family has lived their life in relative isolation.

If it wasn't for Jacob, the only sane bit of her rather strange existence, she's not sure what would happen.

"I don't like it," Edward says. The itinerary she's provided in his hand. "Yes, teenage rebellion is a thing but," he struggles to find the words, "Aro still wants you for his collection." Maybe an etched granite tablet had been a bit much.

Aunt Alice sits the entire house away, small frame outlined by the Denali mountains in the distance. Her head gives a small fraction of a shake. Renessme groans internally, okay so AA also gets her but, ugh. "Dad, look, it's a tour of the planet on motorcycles. 'Cob is going-"

"Yes, I'm well aware," he says, face pinched with early 1900's high handed _that's not what little girls did back in my day_ stamped all over it.

"Ewww. Seriously _dad_ don't make it gross, like, being asexual is a thing. Besides, I'm only ten," Ness says, because it's fun to see him cringe.

She's intellectually beyond ten, physically closer to eighteen and sometimes the prospect of _five-ever_ gets to her. Add that strange wrench about Jacob- _Gross,_ she thinks, shaking her head. He's more of a means to an end in her present situation. Her ticket away from her parents, because father is a tad bit overbearing at times.

Aunt Alice gets it. Aunt Rosalie definitely gets it. Renesmee cringes just thinking of the stories her blonde aunt has told her about how her dad basically stalked her mom- her parents are _weird._ She loves them, she does, it's just they're strange. And by definition she's strange. A week into life and she'd had a whole army practically after her.

"Look, papa, Grandfather Carlisle said you rebelled and left for a decade- this is like, I don't know, a twenty four month trip at best. Plus mom already said you'd meet us in Brazil. I'm looking forward to seeing Nahuel in South America. It's going to be fine."

In hindsight- famous last words.

* * *

"Did you know Renesmee opened up an Instagram account?" Alice turns to Rosalie from the computer.

If the paling of her sister's face is any indication, yes, she knew. Alice hates that Renesmee is outside of her field of _vision._ It makes anticipating things rather difficult. What she had gotten is a surge of online vendors locating their PO Box in Alaska, plus a nebulous slew of endorsement deals. The internet age is interesting to say the least.

Rosalie turns the page to the latest Vogue issue very carefully, like a child examining a lacewing. "I can't keep up with kids these days," she says.

Alice narrows cat like eyes at her. There's no pulse to give her away, no rise of blood to the face, nothing.

"I did," comes a voice from somewhere outside in the forest. Seconds later Bella enters the cabin- more of a glorified rugged outdoor mansion. Esmee had gotten into all the house renovation shows in the early 2000's and started building her own estate deep in the Alaskan wilderness, it's only a short distance, comparatively speaking, to the Denali cousins. "Why, did something happen?"

Alice turns back to the Instagram page. "You could say that," she says drawing out the 'ooo'.

From the couch Rosalie repositions herself very carefully but Alice knows she can see the screen.

"You've got to be kidding me," Bella says reading the insta page name: _LochNess._ "And just what exactly is she doing?"

Tearing it up, so it seems. Ness's public page lists her as a motorcycle enthusiast attempting to circumnavigate the globe- yes she is a certifiable hoonigan. Known for squidding- "What is that?" asks Bella. Alice shrugs- dropping knees, which is a little more self explanatory, and mad wheelies.

"Is she standing on the seat?" Edward has come into the room.

"It would appear that she is," says Alice to the screen.

In various pictures Renesmee and Jacob are covered to the nines in mud- mostly. Since they're out in some of the most remote locations they've seen. Goggles up, but with flawless makeup, Ness's otherworldly beauty enhanced by the dirt and wide grin.

Alice turns around to give Bella a glazed stare. "Are you thinking of joining her?" she asks as Edward comes closer looking over Alice's shoulder.

The once brown eyes, now turned golden, blink at her sister-in-law, eyelashes fluttering at the rate of a hummingbird in her mortification. Bella gives the slightest jerk of her chin. "No." Alice drops the subject, as the visions sort of blur into memories of the past when Bella worked on motorcycles with her best friend. "I'm glad she's having fun," and it's true, Alice can see it, but understands that she would love to be on a bike again. "Wait- you don't think it'll draw the attention of the Volturi, do you?"

A scoff comes from the direction of the couch and the three immortal statues look over at Rosalie who is rolling her eyes. "Please, do you really think those wax figures know how to log into a web based address?"

"Okay you might have a point," Alice concedes. Another wave of premonition floods over her and she opens up a YouTube browser to the same handle of LochNess- "Well, shit."

On the page they see various videos of first person motorcycle riding through some of the most unforgiving landscapes. Alice clicks on one and Renesmee's voice comes through discussing the various difficulties of crossing into countries through land ports of entry.

"A motovlogger-" Edward pinches the bridge of his nose.

"It could be worse," Alice says trying to console whatever else Edward didn't say out loud.

He ignores her, "What are all of those?"

"I'm going to kill him," Bella says, looking at the various playlist titles.

"It's not all bad," Rosalie chimes in. "You do know she's trying to bring awareness to the region along with the general idea to be kinder to the planet. Plus we could all use more female representation in motorcycling, to be honest."

Both Edward and Bella stare at the subscription numbers.

There are videos about safety, there are merchandise reviews, videos about maintenance-

"Sooo, this is how she's been spending her time," Bella says.

There's a video with Charlie who is teaching her about changing the oil in general cars. "He never mentioned that," says Edward, looking on. Time lapse into silence.

"I think it'd be best if you ask her opinion on that bike," Alice answers, a question her brother hasn't voiced.

He grits his teeth and says nothing. "Clearly, she knows what she's doing," Alice says.

Clicking on yet another title called- **LochNess is a Squid in bottom tier raid armor.** No audio just a twilight video of Renesmee riding a wheelie with only a helmet, in jeans, heels, and a purple tank top.

"I think we'd better have a discussion with her about public safety," Edward grits out, before disappearing from the room.

"You know," says Alice, thinking twenty steps ahead. She already has multiple windows open to various racing gear sites. "The beauty of this is we will be covered from head to toe." There's a wicked grin on her face as she applies several different credit card lines. "I mean, not that we need airbag jackets- but Edward does have a point."

"I want mine in blue," says Bella, eying the S 1000 RR Alice has pulled up on screen. "We should be able to meet her in Brazil at the appointed time- if we leave, tomorrow?"

Alice's vision glosses over. "Oh, I don't know, we might just call them and tell them it'll be a while."

Rosalie gets up, she's already wearing a full racing suit. "Call me when you catch up, ladies. Don't mind me-" At the door she turns around. "It wasn't just Jacob, you know, that taught her about the bikes. We've been building scrap ones for a few years now, they're like puzzles to her."

Bella looks a fronted at first, but it _is_ one of the few things that Rose and Jacob have in common Renesmee and motors.

"You should have seen her first baby wheelie," she says, a far away look of pride glowing on her face. "It was _so_ precious."

The three immortals look at each other for a moment before Alice speaks up again. "Oh boy."

"What is it?" Bella asks.

"Nothing, I just foresee us spending a decade or so in Iceland-"


End file.
